My 2017 Yearend Review: My Love Life – Still Looking But… Almost

Episode 207 – Monday, January 8th, 2018 (7678)

(This was supposed to be published before the New Year, but because I had other commitments and tiredness from work within the final week of December, this was already overdue to release this episode on my Journal. Sorry for this delay.)

Last year, 2017, I didn’t know what I was going to do in my love life because, for almost whole year, I was still searching, looking for a better love. From the infamous “love disaster” happened in 2016, I wanted 2017 to start something new and to explore another opportunity that somebody would open my heart again after two years (within Post-LDR Era). Although it was granted when I met more new friends after one wonderful retreat in February, it might not be enough to fulfill my happiness until someone would restore my happiness at the end of the year after months of boredom.

Well, that was my love life in 2017 where it might be better than in the past few years since Post-LDR Era, but still in the end, it remained no “love relationship” to open my heart again. I will discuss this for my yearend review for the last year, 2017.

The first two months

In late 2016, I didn’t know that I started to have a chat conversation to one of my new friends from Feast SM Santa Rosa Singles named Abby. For almost every time, I contacted her to have a chat via Facebook Messenger either on a computer at my old beloved office in San Pedro during my idle times or thru my phone. However, despite that we had seen ourselves further around the Feast (as she served for choir during mass while I was serving for Media), we had never met personally at once. But it’s not until on January 15, 2017 before the start of Feast session at SM City Santa Rosa. While I was waiting with other friends, she approached me to meet for the very first time in person. And I was so glad that after a long time I finally met her and talked her in person.

Since we finally met, I was now joining with her attending some Feast sessions, including the time when I went straight from my Baguio trip with my officemates last late January. On the following month, we set up our first ever one-on-one conversation (almost a Light Group or obviously as a “date”) where we shared our experiences in our personal lives especially about our own past love lives. As she told me last time thru chat, she convinced me to join the Retreat where she was in Batch 3 of the overnight event for Singles (and pretend to be “singles”). Because of her wish, I accepted to attend the Love Life Retreat Batch 4. And speaking though, I’m now talking about this.

Love Life Retreat

On February 25, 2017 (exactly 20 months of Post-LDR Era), I finally joined the Singles Retreat where I met unknown single (and pretend to be “single”) individuals to have a special overnight gathering. This was held at Dominican House of Prayer in Tagaytay, about 26 kilometers away from my home in Santa Rosa, Laguna. Abby was the one of her batch mates from Batch 3 who organized for that event while I was belonged with new batch mates as Batch 4. I was quite nervous when I introduced myself in front of a group of unknown individuals. But when the program started, we met little by little to become new friends with the support of my friends from Feast SM Santa Rosa Singles. We enjoyed singing the theme song, “Love’s Here Now”, bonding with new friends, learning from the guest speakers, and reminding the God’s love to forgive our past mistakes where we felt cried so deep thru prayers and healing.

Finally after a long time, I was now a part of the Singles Retreat where it was started in 2014. Even though I started attending The Feast in 2013, I was unaware about this event until Abby invited me to join. I might miss first three editions of the Retreat probably because I had a happy (long distance) love life back then (except for 2016). But at least, I now learned how to heal from the past mistakes especially lack of love with someone like family and friends. I really want to thank Abby who encouraged me to attend the Retreat. Without my “accidental” contact with her in 2016, I might not meet my new friends from Singles.

My friendship with “Miss W”

After the retreat, I finally found someone who might cause me into happiness in life. I just called her, “Miss W” (just named after a fastfood chain) or simply as “Miss Cute Pink Glasses” because of wearing her cute pink eyeglasses. She has her younger sister who, many thought, is her “twin” sister because of their same faces (referred by most of our friends as “Jaboom Twins”). I really admired her because of her cuteness and being pretty. She’s also serving with God when she, with her younger sister, joined as ushers and to attend prayer meetings thru Intercessory Ministry every Tuesday night. But, despite that, I rarely had bonding moments with her together with other batch mates (Batch 4) like I accompanied her and her younger sister to attend Sunday mass at Balibago after our meeting and to explore inside a small mall in the same place. I also began to have conversation with her either thru text messages or Facebook and to give some simple presents for her like her birthday last September.

However, months went by, I felt I was not satisfied on the way that I had contacted her thru text or chat because most of the times she didn’t reply at all. This made me so depressed and isolated because I felt she just ignored my text or chat messages even though she might be busy or not. Especially the times when I was jobless, I felt I didn’t want to contact her (and also with her younger sister) anymore because of some insecurities.

Chat messages emerged and “no reply”

In 2016, I tried to look a textmate to ease my boredom thru communicating via text messages (Short Messaging Services or SMS). But it went into failure and disaster (thanks to evil chubby textmate). But last year (2017), my contact thru SMS became obsolete, and the chat messages like those in Facebook messenger emerged to stay connected.

This was started when I had a long chat conversation with Abby in late 2016, just before my participation in Love Life Retreat. After attending the retreat and meeting new friends, I tried to have socialization with them thru chat messages (FB messenger) or group chat. One of my new friends from the Retreat, just called her as “Miss M”, had our chat conversation for most of the times within March 2017. We shared our life experiences where she confessed me about her frustration in love. I tried to invite her for a simple dinner with me, but later on I just pulled out my “plan” to be with her because of some reasons. However, my chat conversation with “Miss M” did not last long. Because she has too many connections at Feast SM Santa Rosa (where most of her family and relatives are attending and serving there), I decided to not continue my contact with her on Facebook.

In late March, because I was still thinking about my past love, I just decided to reconnect with my former textmate/girlfriend thru Facebook where she just finished her college studies. I contacted her after she accepted my friend request which was quite surprising because I never thought she might forget me after we broke up in June 2015 (the end of our long distance relationship or LDR). However, I didn’t understand why she still accepted me to become friends again despite that I found out she has already a new boyfriend that they met in late 2015, just months after our break-up. And I wondered if she has already a baby because of her profile picture that she posted a baby. This remained a question for me whether she has already her first child baby or just borrowed a baby from her friend (or her boyfriend, I guess). But within the times, I tried to have some greetings to her, but she didn’t reply me back. I felt that she already forgot me and the past memories that we had before during LDR. Because of this, last Christmas, I just decided to unfriend her and to forget her for good. She might be forever in my history books, but she will be forever forgotten from my heart.

Anyways, back to my topic about chat messages, communication is really important to me to stay connected. However, for most of the times, boredom existed especially the time when I became jobless in mid-2017. Despite of my efforts to have simple greetings or short conversation to some of my friends on Facebook, I felt I was all alone because they didn’t reply me at all even though they’re online. Probably, they might be busy or having hard time to get a better signal in their places, or simply they didn’t want to have a talk with me at all. That’s a sad reality. For sometimes, I tried to post something on my status, but none of them noticed or just ignored. Feeling that I became depressed, I frequently deactivated my Facebook account just to forget most of my friends. However, I’m still contacted by my friends from Media Ministry of Feast SM Santa Rosa for having some updates on our schedule.

I had tried to contact some of new friends to have some conversation thru chat (FB messenger). However, like “Miss W” and other friends, I had been tired waiting for their reply even though they had already “seen” my message. This caused me into boredom where nobody wanted to talk with me because they might be busy or having other priorities. My life was filled with loneliness, and I felt alone because of no communication, not only thru personal, but also thru medium like phone or computer.

For two and a half years (since Post-LDR Era), boredom had been present in my life. Most especially after attending (or serving) at the Feast from SM City Santa Rosa, I felt alone all the times like walking at the mall alone, eating a lunch at the fastfood alone, or playing basketball at the arcade alone and without any companion. I was more like anti-social person though and feeling so bored, but it was until December 8 when someone came into my life.

Restoring my happiness

Although she was the one to be introduced by my Feast friend to me after the session, I didn’t notice that she was there (instead, I was let to shake hands with one of her friends). But few days later, I just tried to find some of them until I added her, just called her “Madam J”, on Facebook despite that we had never met personally. On the following night, while I had hard time to commute going home from my work in Pasay, I tried to greet her simple “Hi”. Having my bad experiences from being “no reply”, I didn’t expect that she replied me then I started to have a long chat conversation with her. And the rest is history.

Days passed by, we frequently exchanged our chat messages on Facebook messenger, and I felt that my boredom was replaced into happiness, thanks to her. Unlike other friends who simply don’t reply after sending my last message, she quickly replied or didn’t forget to reply my last message. Until December 17, after my service at the Feast (it was Advent Recollection), I finally met her to have our first ever “lunch date”. Not only that, we had our bonding time where we played basketball at the arcade and rented a videoke room to sing our favorite songs. And we started to have some feelings each other even though we’re not officially called as lovers. Almost two weeks later, we set another “date” with our sweet(est) moments. It was my first time in a very long time that sweetness was present to me (the last time that I had this was more than 900 days ago – during the final days of LDR in June 2015). And it might be my best Christmas ever after the last time that I had in 2014 – my best year ever and my final full year in love.

These things had never been done to me before in the past two and a half years of being alone and filled with sadness and boredom. Finally, for the longest time, I got a new friend (or “special friend”) who never left me alone either in personal meeting or thru chat messages. I was so glad that she’s the one who cared for me unlike my other friends who just didn’t care on my messages causing “no reply”. However, my companionship with her might not last in the next few days because she was already scheduled to work overseas. She might restore my happiness from being alone, but this might be too late as she might leave me into lonesome. Awww… Kung kailan nakilala ko sya para masaya ako saka nalang sya aalis? Oh my goodness!

I still don’t know if she will be my “Miss Right” or… well just never mind.

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2017 was somewhat mixed with boredom and happiness. There was boredom because of “no reply” on text and chat messages causing me into loneliness. But there was also happiness because of frequent chat conversation with someone, particularly to my “special friend”, who will depart anytime soon but leave most memorable and sweetest moments to me. I really want to thank her to put my heart better and to remark my history books in love.

But this year, 2018, I really hope to have a better and brighter year in terms of my love life. Yeah, although I got almost a “girlfriend” (she might be the closest ever to open my heart again but in a very short while), I’m still optimistic that there’s a reason why I’m still waiting for my future love. I already forget the past – my bad past after the end of LDR, and I already move forward to rebuild my heart and my happiness from being heartbroken and loneliness that once I had for two and a half years.

To end this episode, I just want to post this old video dedicated to my “special friend” who will leave in the next few days. I wanna miss her truly.

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